I’m trying to wean myself from loving too much. I have bathed myself with too much pleasure of having her almost always on my side that I almost forgot that what we have right now might not last forever. Circumstances always change. Destiny is vague. And wanting her to be my forever might only be an illusion of time. But I love her. And right now, I am trying to think of that alone. What could or could not happen is an issue I am trying to push back in the corners of my mind. I would not let myself think of the things that would only cloud my feelings for her. I am doing my best to understand why right now, it seems that the path she is taking is slowly heading away from mine. Our paths might not cross again somewhere along our journey, but I am still hoping for the best. Destiny might be vague, but I will hope. I will keep on hoping that she is that one, true love I have been praying for.

We were frustrated, and I’m drinking. God forbids me, but I’m drinking. I drink to forget the pain, to forget the frustrations, to stop myself from crying. But I’m crying. I’m still crying. And I’m listening to the song ‘Before I let You Go’. And she’s on the other line, asleep I guess. I hear nothing from her, so I drink. For the first time I drink so that I wouldn’t remember our misunderstandings. But I know I wouldn’t forget this. I would wake up tomorrow with hangover, but all the pain will sink again in me. And I would again feel the sorrow. And I would again seek the comfort of my knife, trying to slash my palm, feeling the physical pain that would lessen the ache I feel in my heart. But these would be all in tomorrow. For the meantime, I will be drinking, listening on the other line while she’s asleep, drowning in pain as I savor Bryan Adam’s ‘Please Forgive Me’. And then I tell her, while she’s in the comfort of her dreams, that I love her so much, that I’m not perfect and I could always hurt her. But I hope she wouldn’t give up on me. I tell her that I’m trying to do my best and be at my best for her. I tell her that I don’t know what I would do if she walks out of my life. I tell her how much I love her, as I cry, as I take another sip of my drink, as I hear her slumbering, and then the line goes off. And now, I’m left all alone. And I will just keep on drinking until I pass out. That’s what I need right now… to pass out and float into nothingness.

I guess in reality, there is no prefect love story. Why can’t love alone mean everything? Those dreams of mine are nothing without her, but I am also nothing without those dreams. And so, what choice should I make? I am torn between love and responsibility, between the future and the present. Choosing just one seems so wrong. I need her, and I want her. Then again, I need to be someone, not just a nobody. So where should I go? What should I do? God, please help me…

She's a dream come true, the answer to my prayers, the cure to the disease of my loneliness, the fulfillment of my desire, the most precious gift from heaven. Behind her imperfections lies a perfect woman, who is worth more than my life. Nothing could ever measure how much I love her. And no right reason could answer why I love her. I just love her, for that is what my heart tells me so, and I will love her more than words can ever say.

 

From the moment we started sharing our lives with each other, I knew then that I like her. The moment I first heard her voice & listened to her stories, I knew then that I was in love with her. And the moment I first laid my eyes on her, I knew then that she's the one whom I want to be my forever. And so yes, I love her even before we met.

 

I love everything about her. I love her silly laughs, which always brighten up my days. I love her corny jokes that would make me burst into laughter. And every time we talk through the phone, her voice would make me want to run to her side and touch her. I love her cute sleepy eyes for they're the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. And her smile? It always fills my heart with so much gladness. I love it when she pouts her soft, red lips when she's acting like a child, or when she's "nagpapa-cute", or when she's frustrated. It makes me want to feel it and kiss it. The scent of her hair and her perfume would always drive me mad as I want to get closer and closer to her. And every time she touches me, the warmth of her soft, delicate skin would send chills throughout my spine. And I love it when she holds my hands. The promise of forever would not want me to let go of her. I love it when I feel so helpless in her arms. She turns me into a child, and takes me to the magical world of a beautiful romance. And I love her whispers of "I love you", her words of "I miss you" and her promise of "I want to spend the rest of my life with you", for hearing such things would melt away the pains of the past and the fear of a vague future. And every time I hear her say "omz omz ko", it makes me want to grab her and hug her so tight.

 

Yes, she drives me crazy. She makes me want her more and more each day. And I love the way she loves me. And I will love her more when she's sad, when she's in trouble, when she cries, and even when she's mad.  I will love her imperfections. I love and will love everything about her. I will give her the comfort she needs, the strength when she's weak, the courage when she's afraid, the light when it's dark. I will love her with all my life.

My Love,

 

Before there was you, life for me was a picture of a snowy evening – cold, dark and hollow. And in the midst of that night I was there, alone, frozen by the wind of sorrow. I was there, living amongst the forgotten and the dead. Life was a meaningless existence in a world tainted with sadness, chilled with snowy misery.

 

And yet my Love, though I was a living dead on that snowy night, the promise of you still lingered in my heart. Never there was a time that the sun rose to light up my way, but the moon shone its glow on me, showering me with a vague glimpse of you, rekindling the flame of hope within me. I was a living dead, on a journey to find you.

 

And with the grace from Above, suddenly the empty hands of my life is now holding its meaning. Life is now a picture of a blooming rose of love, showered with pure bliss. You came into my life, and so you now hold my heart. Never will I have dark nights again, for you are the candle lighting up my life. Never will I be dead again, for you give spark to the coldness of my individuality. Never will I be worthless again, for you fill-in the emptiness of my being. You, my Love, had brought back the life of my weary soul.

 

And so, you are my life now, my heart and soul. And I want you to be my forever. And I love you so much my dearest Bunso…